So as you probably know my wife and I are due to have a baby within the next 2 weeks or so. Over the last few weeks I have had the unforgettable opportunity to attend a few child/labor classes, including a breastfeeding class in which I got a pretty good laugh when I raised my hand to answer the question if anyone in the room had not had any change in their breasts since the onset of pregnancy. So, after watching many videos and interacting with many people over the last few weeks, I have come up with a list of things not to do or say when during the course of your wife's pregnancy, delivery, and thereafter.
1. During labor you don't say, "I know how you feel."
2. "Wow! What is that? It sure doesn't look like a baby."
3. During labor: "How much longer do you think this is going to be? I'm getting a little tired."
4. During pregnancy: "Geez, you go to the bathroom more than my grandmother."
5. "Honey, you're really starting to fill out."
6. "Hey, save some food for the rest of us."
7. In one class there was actually a husband who when talking about increased sense of responsibility said, "Now when I go out with my friends I have to try to make it home that night."
8. During labor: "It can't really hurt that bad."
9. During labor: "I'm getting tired...I need to take a break."
10. During labor: "You make a funny face when you are pushing."
11. After 6 hours of labor: "Wow, all that and you're only 3 centimeters dilated. You have a long way to go."
12. During labor: "Great. Thanks a lot. All your screaming made me miss the score of the game!"
13. After my niece was born my brother took E and I to the nursery to show us his baby and he actually pointed to a black baby at first. Now, this really confused me because I had never seen a newborn before so I started to think through all the possible anthropological implications of why newborns look black. Turned out that my mom said, "Are you sure because that baby is black. I think yours is over there."
14. "You're always hungry."
15. "That little waddle you do now is so cute." - Thankfully my beautiful wife walks in the same hot way that she did before she was pregnant - no waddle from her!